Causes and Resolution of Conflict

In the wake of the shootings at Columbine High School in April of 1999, popular opinion about protecting students from conflict includes support for such measures as installing metal detectors in schools. Yet the most of the conflicts that affect youth-and which affect youth all over the world-take place under far more ordinary circumstances. Children and teenagers suffer from quarrels between their parents, discord within their neighborhoods, and clashes with schoolmates. Indirectly, children suffer from the workplace disagreements their parents cannot leave behind as well as marital quarrels; these drain parents of the energy and aplomb needed to optimally care for their children. These conflicts take their psychological and emotional toll on young people, affecting them deeply, cumulatively, and often permanently.

Understanding the causes of conflict and the means of resolving it are ways to lessen this psychological toll and help children grow into maturity with secure inner working models for forging good relationships even in the midst of the inevitable tensions they will face.

The Value of Resolving Conflict

Conflict is a fact of life. Under ordinary circumstances, conflict is neither good nor bad in and of itself. It is the way people respond to conflict and handle it that determines its outcome. If conflict is feared and regarded as negative, it has little growth-promoting potential.Conflict, like all adversity, is best looked upon as an opportunity for character growth-a chance for individuals to call upon and refine their inner resources-to challenge themselves to new frontiers of empathy and relationship skills.

Conflict is a symptom and sign that the emotional subtext of a relationship needs correction and improvement. Tensions may even be welcomed as a herald of potential to deepen a relationship. Many a couple feels closer and more intimately connected to each other after a dispute has been resolved. Friendships are often strengthened by successful resolution of a disagreement. New bonds have been forged in the fires of conflict in all types of relationships.

Unfortunately, many people respond to the presence of conflict by seeking to terminate the situation where they find it. They quit jobs, leave schools, divorce, sever friendships, never go into a certain store again or stop speaking to a relative. These avoidance methods bring temporary relief, but in fact, unresolved conflicts inevitably return to haunt the person. They often reappear in a new form or with new people, continuing to resurface until resolved. Conflict cannot be compartmentalized. Until the problem is healed on the deepest levels of the human heart, it inevitably permeates a person's interactions with others.

Dawn, a mother of three, had an altercation with a neighbor over her children playing in the back of his parked truck. He strongly urged her to ground her children for the offense. Dawn remembered, however, that he often let the children play in the truck when he was in a good mood. How could he be so inconsistent? Dawn was angry with the neighbor and decided not to punish her children. Yet when her husband and children came home, she found herself yelling at them over every minor offense. Dawn realized her unresolved anger over the incident with the neighbor was causing her to lash out at her family.

Resolving conflict is desirable for many reasons. The cessation of tensions removes the paralyzing impasse that leaves both sides feeling isolated and stagnant. It opens the doors to forgiveness and reconciliation, which in turn free up time and energy for creativity and progress. The amount of emotional energy lost in maintaining friction-the defensive moves and retaliations-could be more efficiently directed toward living a full and productive life and promoting more gratifying relationships.