Parenting with Love and Authority

Becoming a parent means entering a whole new realm of caring and responsibility. Earlier phases of life, having taught their lessons of love, are foundational for success in this important endeavor. Yet parenting presents its unique challenges, and parenting in modern times is especially daunting. Children have access to media information--both good and bad--in ways their parents couldn't even dream of. Both parents often work, leaving them little time to devote to their children. What is more, society is just beginning to recover from more than thirty years of questioning its most basic values, leaving parents to wonder which direction is best for their children.

Clearly, parents stand in the position of the primary moral educators, yet schools and the community can support parents in giving proper guidance to their children. The most effective parents, teachers and community leaders recognize this and do their best to support and supplement one another. Parents are helped by the efforts of good teachers and community mentors, and in turn the school and community gain from well-reared children.

Teachers and parents benefit from a strong mutual support system. In the past, parental support for teacher authority was so solid that it was common for a child who had been disciplined at school to be disciplined again at home. The parents did not even need to know what the child had done. "If the teacher says you did something wrong, you must have done something wrong," was the parents' philosophy. Nowadays, the parent is more likely to call the school and demand an explanation, sometimes putting teachers and administrators on the defensive and fearful of possible litigation. This lack of support takes its toll. Older teachers comment on the marked difficulties in discipline they face due to students' changed attitudes toward authority, most of which derive from the home.

Love-The Basis of Legitimate Authority

As leaders of their family, parents necessarily have to have a healthy sense of their own authority.On the one hand, power and authority over anything is usually granted to its originator. The author of a book, for instance, is the one who knows best what the book's purpose is, how it can be utilized, interpreted, etc. As the "authors" of a child, parents have a natural authority.

On the other hand, as the anti-authoritarian voices of the 1960s and 1970s pointed out, authority is sometimes abused. They served as a reminder that genuine and trustworthy authority belongs to those who care about their charges and willingly sacrifice for their sake. In any project, business or school, authentic leaders earn their authority through care, investment and sacrifice. The same is true of the child-rearing enterprise. Parents best wield authority on a foundation of deep, demonstrated love for the child. Otherwise, the child will have trouble receiving the parents' directives.

"Without a strong, healthy love-bond with his parents," observes psychologist Ross Campbell, "a child reacts to parental guidance with anger, resentment, and hostility."1 Power used without an appropriate amount of love can produce a person who eventually resents all authority. To such a child, authority is linked with exploitation. A child who knows she is deeply loved, on the other hand, will readily accept her parents' directions, identify with them and make their values her own. Furthermore, a positive relationship with parents predisposes a child to respect legitimate social institutions and civil laws and the just authority they represent. Thus good parenting extrapolates into society.

1Ross Campbell, How to Really Love Your Child (London: Victor, 1977), p. 81.